Dear Internet, Please Stop Hitting on our Live Chat Reps
We were hoping it wouldn’t come to this. We were hoping you would take the hints and we’d be able to save you the embarrassment. Yet, here we are, writing an open letter to you, our dearest friend: The Internet. You are the reason we’re in business, and, gosh, we–we just love you so much. But listen, Internet, buddy, you’ ve got to stop hitting on our live chat reps.
Let’s think about this, Internet
You begin your search on STDs, stumble upon our site, and voila! Up pops a Live Chat Rep. She says, “Hello, I’m Anna. Feel free to ask me anything :)”
Now, you’re no stranger to health websites, so you’re very aware of these little “live chat” boxes. Normally you ignore them and keep browsing the site, but Anna’s looking at you a little seductively. And that smiley face? We mean, she may as well have said:
“I’d love to know more about you. Do you want to know more about me? If so, ask me anything 😉”
Right? Just like the ladies that pop up on the side of your favorite incognito site.
You know, the ones that are single and in your area?
You try to figure out how to maneuver delicately through this situation – you want to ask her out, but you also want to ask her about the bumps on your wiener.
You have to think quickly; hot ladies like her don’t come around often. So you start with a simple conversation opener:
Hey girl, what’s your name?”
Anna begins typing a response, but before she can answer, you go into:
Is it normal for me to have bumps on my groan?”
Anna stops typing. You panic, thinking you’ve scared her away. How can you bring it back to light and casual?
Soo, you got a husband or nah?”
Old friend, listen, we don’t mean to be rude
But really? Really, Internet? If you think that meeting on an STD website will be a “funny story for our kids,” we have to ask: How delusional are you, Internet?
We mean, do you think that right now is really the best time to get into a new relationship? Because it sounds like you’re still dealing with some of the remnants from your old one. And don’t be so quick to think that Anna isn’t aware of your circumstances; she knows you’re on our site for a reason. “I’m asking for a friend!” Yeah sure, Internet. Sure you are.
Regardless of why you’re here, you are here
It sounds like you’re getting your priorities a little mixed up. Anna’s not here looking for a date for Friday, she’s not trying to follow you on Instagram, and she’s not able to hook you up with any of her friends.
She’s here to connect you to the resources you need to get your “groan bumps” taken care of.
Internet, we understand that you have no sense of shame
We know that if you think you’ve got a shot at getting it in, you’re going to take that shot. Hell, that’s what we love about you, Internet! Again, you are the reason we’re in business! And Internet, please don’t take this personally; we come from a place of love. But we’re begging you, for the sake of Anna and the rest of our Live Chat Reps, please stop hitting on them.
Author: Lauren Crain
Lauren Crain is a writer, designer, and joke-teller. As a sexual health and wellness researcher and writer, she's adamant about spreading credible knowledge and eliminating misinformation. Her writing has been featured on The Muse, Insider, Clutch, Her Campus, and Business News Daily. When she's not writing, designing, or trying to make people laugh, you can find her watching 30 Rock with her partner and their cat and dog.