Dear Internet, Please Stop Hitting on our Live Chat Reps

Dear Internet,

We were hoping it wouldn’t come to this. We were hoping you would take the hints and we’d be able to save you the embarrassment. Yet, here we are, writing an open letter to you, our dearest friend: The Internet. You are the reason we’re in business, and, gosh, we–we just love you so much. But listen, Internet, buddy, you’ ve got to stop hitting on our live chat reps.

Let’s think about this, Internet

You begin your search on STDs, stumble upon our site, and voila! Up pops a Live Chat Rep. She says, “Hello, I’m Anna. Feel free to ask me anything :)”

Now, you’re no stranger to health websites, so you’re very aware of these little “live chat” boxes. Normally you ignore them and keep browsing the site, but Anna’s looking at you a little seductively. And that smiley face? We mean, she may as well have said:

“I’d love to know more about you. Do you want to know more about me? If so, ask me anything 😉

Right? Just like the ladies that pop up on the side of your favorite incognito site.

You know, the ones that are single and in your area?

You try to figure out how to maneuver delicately through this situation – you want to ask her out, but you also want to ask her about the bumps on your wiener.

You have to think quickly; hot ladies like her don’t come around often. So you start with a simple conversation opener:

Smooth, Internet, very smooth.

Hey girl, what’s your name?”

Anna begins typing a response, but before she can answer, you go into:

Is it normal for me to have bumps on my groan?”

Anna stops typing. You panic, thinking you’ve scared her away. How can you bring it back to light and casual?

Soo, you got a husband or nah?”

Old friend, listen, we don’t mean to be rude

But really? Really, Internet? If you think that meeting on an STD website will be a “funny story for our kids,” we have to ask: How delusional are you, Internet?

We mean, do you think that right now is really the best time to get into a new relationship? Because it sounds like you’re still dealing with some of the remnants from your old one. And don’t be so quick to think that Anna isn’t aware of your circumstances; she knows you’re on our site for a reason. “I’m asking for a friend!” Yeah sure, Internet. Sure you are.

Regardless of why you’re here, you are here

It sounds like you’re getting your priorities a little mixed up. Anna’s not here looking for a date for Friday, she’s not trying to follow you on Instagram, and she’s not able to hook you up with any of her friends.

She’s here to connect you to the resources you need to get your “groan bumps” taken care of.

Internet, we understand that you have no sense of shame

We know that if you think you’ve got a shot at getting it in, you’re going to take that shot. Hell, that’s what we love about you, Internet! Again, you are the reason we’re in business! And Internet, please don’t take this personally; we come from a place of love. But we’re begging you, for the sake of Anna and the rest of our Live Chat Reps, please stop hitting on them.

With love,

Secure and Confidential
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Author: Lauren Crain

Lauren Crain is a writer, designer, and joke-teller. With an academic background from Texas State University in communication and education, Lauren works tirelessly to find the best way to transform hard-to-grasp concepts into straightforward information. She's been a writer her whole life, but she began writing professionally in 2014. In 2018, she joined the editorial staff because of her passion for communicating information about public health and destigmatizing sexual health. Before becoming a member of the team, Lauren worked as a communication skills teacher, marketing coordinator, and freelance writer and designer. Her work has been featured on Forbes, The Muse, Insider,, Her Campus, and Business News Daily. When she's not researching, writing, or trying to communicate authentically, you can find her sitting outside.