So you have an STD. Maybe you’re a good person who had a momentary lapse of judgment after a few too many Jagerbombs. Maybe you need a refresher course on how to properly put on a condom. Maybe perhaps you’re just a badass with a devil-may-care attitude about having bareback sex with strangers. Whatever the case, it sucks to have an STD. Whether yours involves bumps, burning, or drips, you’ve put everyone you’re sleeping with at risk of having the disease, too. Hopefully, you are aware that you have to inform anyone you’re sleeping with about your little problem, even if you choose to forego owning up to it and resort to using an Anonymous Notification Tool. In this case, no news is NOT good news.
When it comes time to break the news, make sure you’re a decent human being who doesn’t deliver the message in any of the following ways:
1. By Email
There are many situations where email is both appropriate and necessary- communicating with your boss at work, sending your parents recent pictures of your kids, updating all your friends on how much fun you’re having on vacation in Thailand, etc. Telling your partner that they need to take an STD test is not one of those situations. When you find yourself in that predicament, the best thing to do is tell them in person. Give them the chance to slap you in the face. Even a phone call would be better than an email. Screaming obscenities at you over the phone is way more cathartic than typing an angry email response full of exclamation points.
2. By telling their friend and having their friend tell them
This method is reserved for the lowest of the low. Now, not only have you possibly given her an STD, but all of her friends are going to know. You’ve added an entirely new layer of embarrassment to the crap cake that you baked with your genitals. You shouldn’t be spreading gossip -or anything else- about such a delicate topic.
3. By leaving a note right after sex
If you’re leaving a note for someone you’ve slept with, it should be cute or sexy. Writing “Let’s get freaky” on a napkin and leaving it on the bar for the cute bartender is one thing; scribbling a warning that their genitals will probably start itching soon after sleeping with them is a completely different move. It’s called a ‘dick move’ and if you do it, you are a dick.
4. With a gift
Maybe you’re a sarcastic guy who thinks it’s funny to give someone really bad news with a gift. Maybe you’re an idiot who legitimately thinks that leaving the note on top of an Xbox will somehow make the guy you just gave chlamydia feel a little less angry. Either way, nothing says “Destroy Me” quite like what would be an otherwise awesome gift that’s actually informing you that you probably have an STD.
5. With an eCard
Just, no. With the possibility of using an Anonymous Notification Tool to alert someone that they need to get tested without including your name, why would you ever try to combine humor with something as serious as sexual health? Your Facebook timeline should be a safe haven full of videos of cats playing piano and Sarcastic Willy Wonka memes, not a traumatic reminder of the skank from the John Mayer concert who gave you the Clap. That’s just rude.